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VOLUME 6, ISSUE 1 PSYCHNEWS INTERNATIONAL May 2001
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SECTION G: ARTICLE
THE SPOUSE -- MATE OF THE NARCISSIST
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
The Victims
On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who
typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and
sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and
falling in love are pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his
best face - the other party is blinded by budding love. A
natural selection process occurs only much later, as the
relationship develops and is put to the test.
Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous,
often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist
indicates, therefore, the parameters of the personality of the
survivor. She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship
into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.
First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient
or a distorted grasp of his self and of reality. Otherwise, she
(or he) is bound to abandon the narcissist's grip early on. The
cognitive distortion is likely to consist of a belittling and
demeaning of the partner - while aggrandising and adoring the
narcissist. The partner is, thus, placing himself in the position
of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat.
Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral,
sacrificial and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware
of his predicament. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to
be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from the
partner, superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally,
morally, financially).
The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's
tendency to punish his self, namely: with his masochistic streak.
The torment, which is life with a narcissist is, as far as the
partner is aware, a just punitive measure.
In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the narcissist.
By maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally
dependent upon the source of masochistic supply (which the narcissist
most reliably constitutes and most amply provides) - the partner
enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours, which are
at the very core of narcissism. The narcissist is never whole without
an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very
sense of superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His
sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the Narcissist (in
whom it often provokes suicidal ideation) to the partner, thus finally
obtaining an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction.
It is through self-denial that the partner survives. She denies her
wishes,hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual needs, psychological needs,
material needs, and much else besides. She perceives her needs as
threatening because they might engender the wrath of the narcissist's
God-like supreme figure. The narcissist is rendered even more superior
through and because of this self-denial. Self-denial undertaken to
facilitate and ease the life of a Great Man is more palatable. The
Greater the Man (=the narcissist), the easier it is for the partner
to ignore her own self, to dwindle, to degenerate, to turn into an
appendix of the narcissist and, finally, to become nothing but an
extension, to merge with the narcissist to the point of oblivion and
of dim memories of one's self.
The two collaborate in this macabre dance. The narcissist is formed
by his partner inasmuch as he forms her. Submission breeds superiority
and masochism breeds sadism. The relationships are characterized by
rampant emergentism: roles are allocated almost from the start and
any deviation meets with an aggressive, even violent reaction.
The predominant state of the partner's mind is utter confusion.
Even the most basic relationships - with husband, children, or
parents - remain bafflingly obscured by the giant shadows cast by
the intensive interaction with the narcissist. A suspension of
judgement is part and parcel of a suspension of individuality,
which is both a prerequisite to and the result of living with
a narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and
right and what is wrong and forbidden. The narcissist recreates
for the partner the sort of emotional ambience that led to his
own formation in the first place: capriciousness, fickleness,
arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment.
The world becomes uncertain and frightening and the partner has
only one sure thing to cling to: the narcissist.
And cling she does. If there is anything which can safely be
said about those who emotionally team up with narcissists,
it is that they are overtly and overly dependent, even
compulsively so.
The partner doesn't know what to do - and this is only
too natural in the mayhem that is the relationship with
the narcissist is. But the typical partner also does not
know what she wants and, to a large extent, who she is and
what she wants to become.
These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to
gauge reality, evaluate and appraise it for what it is.
Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image,
not with a real person. It is the voiding of the image that
is mourned when the relationship ends.
The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore,
very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain
of humiliations and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the
functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality
against the tyranny of the narcissist.
The partner is liable to have totally misread and misinterpreted
the whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship).
This lack of proper interface with reality might be (erroneously)
labelled "pathological".
Why is it that the partner seeks to prolong her pain? What is
the source and purpose of this masochistic streak? Upon the
break-up of the relationship, the partner (and the narcissist)
engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem. But the question
who really did what to whom (and even why) is irrelevant. What is
relevant is to stop mourning oneself (this is what the parties
are really mourning), start smiling again and love in a less
subservient, hopeless, and pain-inflicting manner.
The Abuse
Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic
Personality Disorder.
The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the
object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless
devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue.
This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The narcissist
exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"),
manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse.
There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse.
It is tantamount to treating someone as one's extension, an object,
or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to
respect privacy, to be brutally honest, or consistently tactless -
is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are
all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse,
psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Narcissists
are masters of abusing surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers".
You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
There are three important categories of abuse:
1. Overt Abuse - The open and explicit abuse of another person.
Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning,
chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring
("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding,
verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of
overt abuse.
2. Covert or Controlling Abuse - Narcissism is almost entirely
about control. It is a primitive and immature reaction to life's
circumstances in which the narcissist (usually in his childhood)
was rendered helpless. It is about re-asserting one's identity,
re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human
and physical.
3. The bulk of narcissistic behaviours can be traced to this
panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control.
Narcissists are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because
they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and
its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in their
efforts to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable.
They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" -
another form of narcissistic control.
But why the panic?
The narcissist is a solipsist. He carries the whole universe in
his mind. To him, nothing exists except himself. Meaningful others
are his extensions, assimilated by him, internal objects - not
external ones. Thus, losing control of a significant other - is
equivalent to the loss of control of a limb, or of one's brain. It
is terrifying. It is paradigm-shattering.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in the narcissist the
realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he
is not the center of the world or its cause and that he cannot
control what, to him, are internal representations.
To the narcissist, losing control means going insane. Because
other people are mere elements in the narcissist's mind - being
unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind).
Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot
manipulate your memories or control your thoughts...
Nightmarish!
Moreover, it is often only through manipulation and extortion
that the narcissist can secure his Narcissistic Supply.
Controlling his sources of Narcissistic Supply is a (mental)
life or death question for the narcissist. The narcissist is
a drug addict (his drug being the NS) and he would go to any
length to obtain the next dose.
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it,
the narcissist resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive
stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:
Unpredictability
The narcissist acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently
and irrationally. This serves to demolish in others their
carefully crafted worldview. They become dependent upon the
next twist and turn of the narcissist, his next inexplicable
whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile. Because he is
assumed to be the only one intimately acquainted with his self -
he becomes the source of certitude and veracity. In other words:
the narcissist makes sure that HE is the only reliable existence
in the lives of others - by shattering the rest of their world
through his seemingly insane behaviour. He guarantees his stable
presence in their lives - by destabilizing their own. In the
absence of a self, there are no likes or dislikes, preferences,
predictable behaviour or characteristics. It is not possible to
know the narcissist. There is no one there.
The narcissist was conditioned - from an early age of abuse
and trauma - to expect the unexpected. His was a world in motion
where (sometimes sadistically) capricious caretakers and peers
often engaged in arbitrary behaviour. He was trained to deny his
true self and nurture a false one.
Having invented himself, the narcissist sees no problem in
re-inventing that which he designed in the first place.
The Narcissist is his own creator.
Hence his grandiosity.
Moreover, the narcissist is a man for all seasons, forever
adaptable, constantly imitating and emulating, a human sponge,
a perfect mirror, a non-entity that is, at the same time, all
entities combined. The narcissist is best described by
Heidegger's phrase: "Being and Nothingness". Into this
reflective vacuum, this sucking black hole, the narcissist
attracts the sources of his narcissistic supply. To an observer,
the narcissist appears to be fractured or discontinuous.
Pathological narcissism has been compared to the Dissociative
Identity Disorder (formerly the Multiple Personality Disorder).
By definition, the narcissist has at least two selves. His
personality is very primitive and disorganized. Living with a
narcissist is a nauseating experience not only because of what
he is - but because of what he is NOT. He is not a fully formed
human - but a dizzyingly kaleidoscopic gallery of mercurial
images, which melt into each other seamlessly. It is incredibly
disorienting.
It is also exceedingly problematic. Promises made by the
narcissist are easily disowned by him. His plans are ephemeral.
His emotional ties - a simulacrum. Most narcissists have one
island of stability in their life (spouse, family, their career,
a hobby, their religion, country, or idol) - pounded by the
turbulent currents of a dishevelled existence.
Thus, to invest in a narcissist is a purposeless, futile and
meaningless activity. To the narcissist, every day is a new
beginning, a hunt, a new cycle of idealization or devaluation,
a newly invented self. There is no accumulation of credits or
goodwill because the narcissist has no past and no future.
He occupies an eternal and timeless present. He is a fossil
caught in the frozen lava of a volcanic childhood. The
narcissist does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws,
regards consistency and predictability as demeaning traits.
Disproportional Reactions
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the narcissist's
arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts
with supreme rage to the slightest slight. He punishes severely
for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter
how minor. He throws a temper tantrum over any discord or
disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed.
Or he may act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting
(even over-sexed, if need be). This ever-shifting conduct coupled
with the inordinately harsh and arbitrarily applied "penal
code" are both designed by the narcissist and remain inaccessible
to the "offenders". Neediness and dependence on the source of all
justice meted - on the narcissist - are thus guaranteed.
Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanising and objectifying
people - the narcissist attacks the very foundations of the
social treaty. This is the "alien" aspect of narcissists -
they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but
they are emotionally non-existent, or, at best, immature.
This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that
people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences
absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and
vulnerable to the narcissist's control. Physical, psychological,
verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and
objectification.
Abuse of Information
From the first moments of an encounter with another person,
the narcissist is on the prowl. He collects information with
the intention of applying it later to extract narcissistic
supply. The more he knows about his potential source of
supply - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm,
extort or convert it "to the cause". The narcissist does not
hesitate to abuse the information he gleaned, regardless of
its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he
obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armoury.
Impossible Situations
The narcissist engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,
unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is
sorely and indispensably needed. The narcissist, his knowledge,
his skills or his traits become the only ones applicable, or
the most useful to resolving them. It is a form of control by
proxy.
Control by Proxy
If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues,
mates, family members, the authorities, institutions,
neighbours - in short, third parties - to do his bidding.
He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat,
tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate
his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as
he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same
mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously
when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in
which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully
crafted scenarios involve embarrassment and humiliation as
well as social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even
physical punishment). Society, or a social group become the
instruments of the narcissist.
Ambient Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere
of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and
irritation. There are no acts of traceable or provable
explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control.
Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable
foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes
called "gaslighting". In the long term, such an environment
erodes one's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-
confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a
paranoid or schizoid stance and thus render themselves
exposed even more to criticism and judgement. The roles
are thus reversed: the victim is considered the mentally
disordered component of the dyad and the narcissist -
the suffering soul.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
(1) Alford, C. Fred - Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt
School and Psychoanalytic Theory - New Haven and London,
Yale University Press - 1988
(2) Fairbairn, W. R. D. - An Object Relations Theory
of the Personality - New York, Basic Books, 1954
(3) Freud S. - Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905) -
Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund
Freud - Vol. 7 - London, Hogarth Press, 1964
(4) Freud, S. - On Narcissism - Standard Edition - Vol. 14 -
pp. 73-107
(5) Golomb, Elan - Trapped in the Mirror : Adult Children of
Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self - Quill, 1995
(6) Greenberg, Jay R. and Mitchell, Stephen A. - Object
Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory - Cambridge, Mass.,
Harvard University Press, 1983
(7) Grunberger, Bela - Narcissism: Psychoanalytic Essays -
New York, International Universities Press - 1979
(8) Guntrip, Harry - Personality Structure and Human Interaction
- New York, International Universities Press - 1961
(9) Horowitz M.J. - Sliding Meanings: A defense against threat
in narcissistic personalities - International Journal of
Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy - 1975;4:167
(10) Jacobson, Edith - The Self and the Object World -
New York, International Universities Press - 1964
(11) Kernberg O. - Borderline Conditions and Pathological
Narcissism - New York, Jason Aronson, 1975
(12) Klein, Melanie - The Writings of Melanie Klein -
Ed. Roger Money-Kyrle - 4 vols. - New York, Free Press - 1964-75
(13) Kohut M. - The Analysis of the Self - New York,
International Universities Press, 1971
(14) Lasch, Christopher - The Culture of Narcissism - New York,
Warner Books, 1979
(15) Lowen, Alexander - Narcissism : Denial of the True Self -
Touchstone Books, 1997
(16) Millon, Theodore (and Roger D. Davis, contributor) -
Disorders of Personality: DSM IV and Beyond - 2nd ed. -
New York, John Wiley and Sons, 1995
(17) Millon, Theodore - Personality Disorders in Modern Life -
New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000
(18) Roningstam, Elsa F. (ed.) - Disorders of Narcissism:
Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications - American
Psychiatric Press, 1998
(19) Rothstein, Arnold - The Narcissistic Pursuit of
Reflection - 2nd revised ed. - New York, International
Universities Press, 1984
(20) Schwartz, Lester - Narcissistic Personality Disorders -
A Clinical Discussion - Journal of Am. Psychoanalytic
Association - 22 (1974): 292-305
(21) Stern, Daniel - The Interpersonal World of the Infant:
A View from Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology -
New York, Basic Books, 1985
(22) Vaknin, Sam - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited -
Skopje and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999, 2001
(23) Zweig, Paul - The Heresy of Self-Love: A Study of
Subversive Individualism - New York, Basic Books, 1968
- - -
Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" and the editor of mental health
categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, Go.com and
searcheurope.com.
His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com
Email: palma@unet.com.mk